(MOJ) Pittsburgh PA, June 24th – During his visit to Carnegie Mellon University today, President Barak Obama announced a new Executive Order.* After calling for a "renaissance in American manufacturing that would replace shuttered steel mills with plants producing robotics, nanotechnology and other high-tech advances.” The President said "We have not run out of stuff to make, we've just got to reinvigorate our manufacturing sector so that it leads the world the way it always has, from paper and steel and cars to new products we haven't even dreamed up yet.”
He said, "That's how we're going to strengthen existing industries, that's how we're going spark new ones." Adding, "That's how we're going to create jobs, grow the middle class and secure our economic leadership."
In announcing his new order He noted “We have a congress that refuses to raise the debt limit. They believe that we must cut spending at a time when we have these initiatives that will give jobs to American workers. Congress is blocking our new initiatives and walking out of important meetings.'
“Therefore, I am issuing an executive order today which will extend my authority to be supreme, relegating Congress to an advisory position only. My new title will be Progress Czar. We face an emergency in this country, and we must put our people back to work in ways that support our environment, green energy and innovation. That is what the American people want, and that is what the American people need. The authority for this order comes from Commerce clause of the Constitution, in order to promote the general welfare, and because congress throws up roadblocks at every turn and on so many issues, all laws from now on will be issued by my office. There will be no need for a Presidential election in November 2012, because I know the American people want me to continue to lead them and the country forward.”
“John Bryson, as the new Commerce Czar, will be in charge of the overall jobs initiative for our nation. He will be working with businesses, suggesting how many jobs they will create, and what the wage scale will be. We realize some parts of the country are doing better than others. We have identified areas, shown on this map in blue, where jobs need to be created. The areas shown in red are doing fine, and will need to contribute their fair share to our economy.'
“Our Energy Czar, Seven Chu, working in conjunction with EPA Czar, Lisa Jackson, will be working with the polluters, oil companies, gas companies, coal producers and old technology power plants to bring them into the future. There will necessarily be some big changes in this area and my Czars will be working with the current managements of these companies to bring them in line with my vision for our future.'
“It is natural for me to be making this announcement at CMU. The folks here at CMU, working at the forefront of technology, have developed a new, high efficiency stationary energy-producing bicyclogen. With my wonderful wife Michelle I have initiated a program which will not only supply our nation with green energy, but tackle two other pressing issues at the same time. As you know, job growth has been slightly less than we expected, we have faced headwinds and bumps in the road. The recovery, while strong, hasn't produced the green energy jobs as quickly as we had hoped. This new initiative solves that problem. At the same time, and as you know, Michelle has been tirelessly working to make our population healthier. She has worked with Walmart, McDonalds, and many other companies to make better choices for the nation's nutrition. Now she will also be able to help folks tackle their obesity problems in another way, while reducing the number of unemployed and lowering health care costs. We will be creating thousands and thousands of high paying government jobs for 'green energy creators'. Michelle will be the new “healthy energy job Czar”. In that position she will be identifying many thousands of over weight, unemployed folks. We will be putting them to work, at high paying, energy producing jobs, riding thousands and thousands of these new bicyclogens, losing weight and generating energy at the same time!'
As I develop new initiatives to move our country forward and Win the Future, I will be assigning Czars to manage every aspect of everyday American life. It's what the American people want, it's what the American people need, it's what will keep our country moving forward down the path to a winning future. Thank You!'
*(Satire)
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